I practically spend my day away by gluing myself in front of the laptop reading nonsensical stuff. Anything could just be a reading material for me. That's how I waste my time. Now that finals are approaching, deadlines are nearer, I feel as though I'm being pressed upon a little by a little. I would get so emotional and cry for nothing. Like you're being hung at somewhere where you do not know what to do. Any step I wanna take feels just not right.
I messed up my routine, fucked up my studies, almost know nuts about the direction of life that I'm driving now. I just feel..., helpless. I don't know myself anymore. I do things that go against my will. I used to stand firm on ground and be very certain in principles, but now I accepted things that I couldn't before this. Sometimes, I just hate myself for not being myself anymore but I couldn't help.
To think or to feel. One who acts rationally cannot be happy, one who wants to be happy has to be irrational. I always bury myself in this lie. Tell me how to have best of both worlds? Once, a friend told me, don't make decision that you will regret after. Yet, how am I to know if that is a regrettable decision? That makes life a gamble. I somehow gambled already, I hope nothing turns out bad. Or even if it's gonna be a negative outcome, hopefully it's not a too ugly ones.
Sometimes I say things like why bother much? Life is too short to be wasted just for rational stuff. I know I sound sour because I am sour that I cannot be like some others. They are solid and certain with directions of life, they know what to do, they never hesitate. I always like to get away by equivocating, hoping no one sees through that. But, people are not that stupid, are they? Le sigh.
I'm really a fucked up bitch. What gives?
Because...
Hope it doesn't get me into deep trouble. Fingers crossed.
1 comments:
Dear Sam,
I can see that you’re somewhat upset with your current situation. Well, I am someone who has been following your posts for a while now and I’ve noticed that you would have emo attacks occasionally and I would like to share a few thoughts which might help you a little.
Firstly, the fact that you procrastinate shows that you’re a normal student as students who spends their time doing their work all day are minorities in the population. At least, that’s what I think.
Everyone faces ups and downs in their life and you’re just having a minor road bump in your life. I would say many people or to be specific, students who are about to step into working life faces the same problem as you are right now. They are not sure of their direction in life. From what I see, you’re still young and you still have time to consider which path to take in life. You probably need a sense of desperation to push you in making a choice. Your situation is not as dire as someone who is older and still unsure of their path as they might be in debt already or they have bigger responsibility. I hope you get what I mean.
I totally agree in what you said regarding the relationship between happiness and rationality. You should definitely fill your life with happiness as we do not have much time on this world as what you said in your post but just like everything else, there should be a balance between these two things. When you’re out with your friends, don’t be rational as you would want to maximize your happiness and when you’re back home, try to push yourself to do your assignments or anything related to your education. Actually, I myself find it hard to start and I will only do it when the last minute desperation kicks in and you need to do it by hook or by crook. Therefore, there would be no advice from me in that field.
I can see that you underestimate yourself in a couple of your post and I just want to tell you that you’re better than what you think you are. I don’t know who or what may have triggered you feeling inferior but all I can say is you have many qualities or characteristics which makes you great the way you are. You might not know it but the people around you do. As I can see, you are surrounded by great people such as your loving bf, your wonderful family and your close friends who will be there for you at times when you need someone the most. Instead of shedding tears alone, why not try confiding your feelings to the people around you and you will see that there’s a lot that they can do for you. I know that there are times when you need to be alone but just remember that you’re surrounded with many people who love and care for you.
I think that’s about as much as I can say for now. I hope the things I said are able to reduce the emotional feelings that you may be feeling. I know I don’t know you well and if I were to have said anything which might offend you in anyway, please forgive me and know that I do not mean it. I do hope and pray that all is well with you and will be well for a very long time.
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